"What is his name, Lord?"

April 6, 2017

In the deepest depths of my despair, my husband searched my face and begged me to speak. "Talk to me, baby. Tell me what you're thinking. Why are you so quiet?" It had been six or seven days - I don't know really, I had lost count - in the children's hospital, watching my baby deteriorate with each passing day. Constantly crying in agony. Open sores ravishing his body and growing by the hour. His mouth swollen and painful. His body aching from the inside out. Starving and dehydrated. Exhausted from lack of sleep. Poked and prodded by every specialist in the building. Still no answers. And in this moment he was quiet. And still. Eyes bright and far away. And clearer than I've ever seen before. And I was terrified. Finally I choked out the words, "I can't tell if he's getting better or giving up."

Maybe he was done fighting.

Go big or go small.

March 3, 2017

In the last few months, maybe a year, maybe the first spark was even two, three years ago, I've had a longing. A desire. A fire in my soul that just won't go away. For something BIG. Real. Impactful. Tired of changing diapers and picking up legos and washing dishes, this fire wants to lead me away, out into the world to see, do, serve, love. "God, what do you have planned for me? Surely you can use me SOMEWHERE. Surely there is more than...this. Send me to Africa. Nicaragua, Guatemala, Poland. I am not afraid to go into this big beautiful world and love you well. Let me do for YOU. I am Yours. Use me. I beg You." Praying daily for a purpose, a plan, a glimpse into what my future might hold serving God's Kingdom. No longer concerned with worldly promises of success and all things "momprenuer", God had called me to something different, something higher, perhaps even...ministry? So my ambition was righteous. Right?

Jagger's story.

January 19, 2017

Early October 2015, my 21 month old son, Jagger, wasn't feeling well. We snuggled a lot and I tried to keep him comfortable while his body fought the virus I thought he had. Within a few days little sores began to appear on his body. They were growing at an alarming rate so we took him to an urgent care clinic. The doctor assumed he had a bacterial infection, prescribed an oral and topical antibiotic and sent us home.
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