1 year ago today.

March 22, 2012

1 year ago today
I was sitting in a dark hospital room,
holding my husband's hand,
and when the silence would become too much,
he'd say, "this sucks."
And it did.

We were patiently awaiting the arrival of a baby girl
that would never get to take her first breath of air,
never get to smell lilacs in full bloom,
or feel a warm summer breeze brush her skin & ruffle her hair.
She'll never have a ring slipped on her finger & kiss the man she loves,
or have her daddy walk her down the aisle
or feel her own baby move & grow inside of her.
But she gets to do something we can only dream of...
She gets to rest in the arms of Jesus,
with no heartache, failure or pain.
Her journey is complete,
while ours is still being written.

Sometimes I try to talk to her...
Tell her I love her.
And then I wonder if she looks down...
and knows I'm her mama.
When you're up there,
do you care what's going on down here?...

I thought about the daughter I'll never know in this life.
And wondered what she would have looked like,
who she would have been.
All while holding a completely different baby girl.
Life is strange.
But it is good.
I'm so thankful for my precious Jia.
For being the mama of a daughter.
Jia will never take the place of her sister
but she sure is a soothing salve on the wound.
Especially today.
I thought today would be a good day to embrace the camera,
something I haven't done in far too long.
So Jia and I spent some time cuddling
and documenting it.
{Jia Rose ~ 5 weeks}
(Jia's "embracing" baby acne & eyebrow cradle cap. ;) )

"God is {SO} gracious."


Janet said...

Happy Angel Birthday. Always a part of your heart and your family.

Allyson C. said...

there is something so cathartic about writing things out, isn't there? even when it sucks. =) really though....thank you for being so open with your grief and feelings so that others can be ministered to through your pain and healing.

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